Wedding Etiquette 101

Local pros help remedy your wedding woes.

(page 1 of 2)

There are a lot more decisions to be made for your wedding than you ever expected. We talked to three southwest Missouri wedding coordinators who know all there is about wedding etiquette, so that you can properly address everything your big day throws your way. Are you responsible for a wedding-day babysitter? What should you do with tipsy Uncle Bob? Sit back, relax, and let the coordinators lead you on the path to wedding perfection. —Tiesha Miller, with reporting by Lindsey Preston


Q: How tacky is it to do the wedding-cake-in-the-face gag during the groom’s first bite of cake? My husband-to-be thinks it would be funny, but I know my mom would be mortified.

A: I think it should be done with a little bit more class. Etiquette states that the custom of the cake symbolizes sharing with and supporting one another, so the symbolism of it goes against the shoving of it into a face. Plus, you don’t want cake all over your gown. It’s best to talk about how you want to approach this before the actual reception. —Lenette Kujawa, Aflair

A: This is the most formal occasion you will have in your lifetime, so in my book there is nothing tackier. It reeks of college keg parties, and it is not age-appropriate. It ruins everything: your dress and makeup, his tuxedo, it gets up your nose, you look like a small child in your pictures. I tell my clients: Do not do it. —Joyce Criswell, The Bride’s Maid

A: The cake smash is very tacky and kind of juvenile. Make sure there is a plate and fork provided so you can guide your groom in the right direction. —Martha Wright, Gracious Occasions

Q: My fiancé and I are having a conflict over the seating arrangement at the reception. If we’re having a formal wedding, is it uncouth to skip the fuss and not assign seating?

A: Personally, I think it’s fine to skip the assigned seating, with the exception of the family and the wedding party. For those in the wedding party, I always encourage place cards. —L.K.

A: No problem at all. It’s a pain. Really, the guests would prefer to choose their seating. Reserve tables for the groom’s family and bride’s family. Maybe you don’t put the divorced parents next to each other, but across from each other. —J.C.

Q: I’m from Springfield, but I’m getting married in St. Louis. I want to use my local hairstylist’s services. What am I expected to pay beyond the service? Should I pay for a hotel room?

A: Yes. She is performing a service for you. You need to be very respectful for taking her time. She could be serving clients in Springfield that day. Pay for the service and then offer to pay for the gas and invite her to the event. That’s a nice way to make her feel appreciated. —M.W.

A: I would expect you to pay her travel both ways, food and lodging—any expense she would not normally incur. Some of the people like florists and photographers have this in their contracts already, so in that case I would not expect to pay for more. Check your contract. The price of gasoline today is not inexpensive, and it’s wear and tear on the car. —J.C.

Q: I know that some family members and close friends must be invited to the wedding, even though there’s a chance they will be inappropriate. What’s the best way to plan for guests who are known to be a nuisance?

A: It depends on what you consider a nuisance and how big a party it is. Sometimes I have to tell a bride, “Don’t ever be embarrassed by who is in your family because it’s family.” If it’s just Uncle Bob with the lampshade on his head, then you shouldn’t let it bother you. Are you going to have 250 people in the room, and only 10 people will notice him? Or is it going to be in an intimate location with 50 people? Now if you have a small affair, it’s far more embarrassing, and you might have to assign a family member or friend to take them home when they get drunk and obnoxious. Have them say, “Let’s blow this joint and go have fun.” Then they get them out of there without a fuss. And then, they just take them home. —J.C.


Q: For my sister’s wedding, I want to put together a video with songs and pictures of her and her fiancé throughout their lives. Is there a rule of thumb for how long this should be before people get bored with it? And should I show it at the rehearsal dinner or the reception?

A: My preference is that if you want to do something like this, it should be done at the rehearsal dinner. I don’t like to take the risk of something technically going wrong during the ceremony. And if you want to do it at the reception, having the show play on a loop while the guests are entering would be best. The presentation should last five to eight minutes. Ten would be okay, but that could be pushing it. —L.K.

A: The people who would really enjoy this would be at your rehearsal dinner, because they were there for those special moments in your life. It should last between five and 10 minutes, anything longer than that and people start to get bored. If you really want to do it at the reception put a monitor in the corner for people to watch during a cocktail hour. —J.C.

A: This should be done at the rehearsal dinner because that’s the time those closest to the bride and groom are in attendance and it’s a smaller more intimate group. It’s more meaningful that way. A good way to portray the same idea at a reception is to have a table with pictures of the couple at stages throughout their life instead. These presentations should go no longer than 30 minutes. —M.W.

Q: My fiancé’s parents are divorced and both remarried (and they are not on the best of terms with one another). We want them all to be involved, but with so many parents, how should we seat them in the church? And where should everyone stand in the receiving line?

A: I wouldn’t encourage a receiving line due to the time length. Instead the bride and groom should greet guests individually. As far as the seating arrangements, I would put the groom’s mother on the front row and have the father sit a few rows back. —L.K.

A: The groom’s father and stepmother should be seated on the second row before the groom’s mother and stepfather are seated on the front row. A lot of times the couples are older and taking on most of the costs on their own, so they are all that stand in the receiving lines. Most families from divorces choose to forego receiving lines in order to avoid hurting feelings. —J.C.

A: People hate to stand in line, so I try to avoid receiving lines. If you insist on having one, only the hosting parents should stand in the line with the bride and groom. In the ceremony the mother sits on the front row and the father sits in the row directly behind that. This way no one feels offended. —M.W.

Q: My fiancé and I prefer to hold our wedding ceremony in the church I attended growing up. It doesn’t seat more than 60 people. What is the most tactful way to handle this situation on the invitations?

A: The best way is to have just family and close friends at the wedding, and then have a large reception. I’d send out an invitation for the wedding and send out at separate invitation to the reception. Have the first be an announcement to the share the
celebration of your wedding. I would have several hours in between or even two or three weeks apart. I would not put them back-to-back. If there are going to be a lot of out-of-town people, have a morning wedding and late evening reception. Take the four to five hours to visit with out-of-town family. —L.K.